How To Look After A Pet Human-Being In The 21st Century

“It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society”



Congratulations! You are here because you have purchased your very first pet human and are ultimately looking for the best advice and insight into looking after and nurturing your animal toward a happy, healthy and productive life! What separates the 21st century human from many of its animal contemporaries is the high level of cognitive intelligence and power that it has the possibility to yield in its abstract DNA. Such development and qualities can potentially mean having a human as a pet can be a far more encumbering and work-heavy experience than other pets as the typical human demands more to look after and regiment into a routine lifestyle. Fortunately years of conditioning, engineering and homogenisation by veterinary experts has led to the development of an array of cages, products and advice at hand that can now allow owners to have the beautiful experience of owning a pet human stress-free! Here are some of the essential tips and advice on how to go about looking after your animal and setting up its cage as it goes through its life happily with no alarms and no surprises for you, the owner!

The Wheel 

pet humanLike most animals of cognitive intelligence, your pet human will need some sense of routine in its life to help it lead a happy and fulfilling life – not to mention a mechanism for which this fabulous creature can focus all of its magnificent energy upon. Such needs can be nurtured with the addition of a spinning plastic wheel to its cage in which for the animal to instinctively run endlessly around all day. Once this item is purchased and fitted, a happy and healthy human will typically spend at least 8 hours a day, 5 days a week exercising on its wheel, repeating its conditioned habits again and again as the weeks fly by. The sheer routine of this will provide the animal with a sense of purpose, belonging, mission goals and it will furthermore also act as a vent in which for it to tire itself out during the day, allowing it to sleep and rest thoroughly during the night. As we all know, there is nothing more annoying than a noisy pet banging against the cage and keeping you awake during the night – not to mention the troublesome thought of it escaping! End that worry now by purchasing a pet wheel from the range of hundreds of thousands currently on the market!

Vitamins and Treats

drunk in clubTo keep your humans happy, healthy and productive in their cage, it is acceptable to provide them with certain vitamins on a moderate basis. A good owner will purchase the three essential treats of Caffeine, Tobacco and Alcohol – these three tasty items can be found at any local store and will help supplement your pets living habits and keep them healthily running on the cage wheel efficiently and routinely. For example: caffeine provided to them Monday to Friday will maintain their alertness and concentration, keeping them efficiently running on their wheel in the week; a healthy dose of tobacco will further supplement this behaviour by acting as an aid to vent any stress that may come with such hectic work endeavours; and finally filling their water bottles with alcohol at the weekend will get any remaining problems out of their system whilst also resetting their batteries before they begin their acclimatisation back to their routine the following week. It’s all apart of the animals’ natural living habits so it would be cruel not to provide them with these healthy treats!

Important note: please remember not to feed your animals any of the ‘other’ substances on the pet market; such treats ARE NOT natural to their being, may damage their living habits and won’t be beneficial to you, the owner.


tv petLiving life in a cage may often cause your pet to dream of escape (yes, your pet human dreams too). It is only natural for such an intelligent creature to want to discover what’s beyond its confines; however we as good owners know that the outside world is a dangerous and perilous place for the domesticated human and it would be poor ownership to let it out into the scary and risky domain beyond those bars! Fortunately such behaviour can be fairly controlled by providing your pet human with a constant, daily stream of media for which to meet its dreams and needs of escapism. For example: fitting a television in its cage will keep it hypnotically entertained with shows of their fellow species competing in singing competitions and reality dating shows; tabloid newspapers will furthermore help them realise the true nature of their dangerous and perilous world beyond those bars, meaning they will slowly lose their mischievous thoughts of trying to escape their cage! With a never-ending stream of shows, celebrity magazines and sensationalist tabloid news, your pet will be spoilt for choice and will become slowly homogenised and relaxed to the condition it lives in – thus allowing you and your pet to both lead calmer lives as it becomes happy with the cage it occupies.

Play Toys

iphone-6-ios-simulation-2Finally, just as a dog needs a bone and a cat needs a piece of string, a human also needs playful items to help keep it preoccupied when going about its daily routine. If your pet human is consistently keeping itself busy on its wheel, you may wish to reward it by providing it with a few key play items to maintain its happiness and well-being. Such items over the years have become popular with their species and treating them regularly to the latest smartphones, the latest designer clothes, the latest apps, the latest automobiles, and the latest furniture may prove to be a timely venture, but it will ultimately keep your much-loved pets happy and productive in their cages – allowing you the owner to sit back and relax whilst your animals lovingly adorn their shiny and pretty possessions! Such items are accessible in shops and stores nationwide, so please don’t be hesitant in treating your humans to the fun little balls of joy they truly deserve!

As you can no doubt see, the sheer array of needs to fulfil for your new pet may seem daunting at first, but after providing them with the above and getting to know your human’s habits and personality, you will soon to be on your way to a loving relationship as you nurse over your animal from day-to-day! Just remember that although the pet human may be more of a challenge to look after than your typical fish in a bowl, the sense of ownership, power and fulfilment you gain from raising such a magnificent being will ultimately be worth the cost of your care and attention. At the end of the day humans just want to be kept from harm and looked after without the worries of the fearsome natural world – with the right amount of domestication, regimentation and engineering, not only will your pet human be happy and safe, but it will also be your best friend.

man behind bars

Paid To Take Drugs: What It’s Like To Be A Human Guinea-Pig


The time is 7.30am – a large digital clock on the side of the wall adorning bright red numbers informs me of this as I slowly open my eyes to look around the surrounding ward. As I do this a nurse appears and stands beside my bed, leaning over to check if I’m awake. There is a brief exchange of words before she begins to promptly check my blood pressure, note my temperature and extract a blood sample from the vein in my right arm. The procedures are swiftly completed and – just like that – another day as a human volunteer on a medical research trial begins.

Such an experience is not unfamiliar to me; as it happens this is the seventh time I’ve signed up to donate my body to an independent pharmaceutical company to aid the advancement and development of medicinal treatment. I say to aid the advancement, but the primary reason I’m here of course – like the rest of the seven other volunteers on my ward – is to make a large amount of money in a short space of time. Sure, it’s nice to know that the research conducted on your body will go on to improve treatment and medicines for sick people, but ultimately the majority of us wouldn’t be here in confinement getting needles stuck into our arms unless we were getting handsomely reimbursed for our time.

Photo Copyright of ‘Quotient Clinical’

I mean, when you tell people you’re going to be a human guinea-pig in a medical research trial you are usually met by incredulous, shocked or worried looks. ‘You are going to let people experiment on your body?’ people say. ‘Are you serious’; ‘Isn’t it dangerous?’; ‘Are you going to be okay?’. And who could blame them for their sceptical response – it’s not exactly a typical way to earn a few quid. But as I eat my scheduled breakfast of cereal with a cup of milk and a croissant before playing the Xbox all morning, I remain content and sure in the knowledge that I am earning almost £200 a day to sit around, relax and occasionally piss into a container or have a bit of blood taken. A hard day’s work – not quite.

“But what exactly are you testing?” I hear the worriers cry out. “Is it safe?”. Well if we must get down to the details, I am currently taking part in a trial to test how the body takes up a new patent of the medicine Neulasta – a drug that has been used to combat the blood disorder Neutropenia that can appear when cancer patients are exposed to chemotherapy treatment. A 6mg injection on day 2 of the trial and then your vitals are recorded over the following week. The new patent itself has been tested on 120 humans previously which creates a sense of security in the fact you know you aren’t going to get elephantitis or grow an extra finger. There are however some minor side effects including bone and muscle ache, meaning I may need to pop a few pain killers every now and then. But hey, welcome to the modern age I tell myself; instead of selling your mind, body and soul to a faceless company, why not do it to a pharmaceutical company and get paid much better to sit around, eat and kill time.

Ironic really, as that’s exactly what I’m doing right now doing this – another ten minutes til lunch I see by checking the clock. Generally the three meals of the day, plus a light snack in the evening are the major moments of each day here. Yesterday was an eventful day however – a rarity in this place, which included a fire drill and a group quiz to all the volunteers where I was lucky enough to win myself a £5 Greggs voucher! (Easy money and food from all angles in this place). But generally the average day just bumbles along with a mixture of watching T.V, playing table tennis/pool/Xbox, talking to other volunteers and, of course, laying in bed while the nurses come around are perform procedures to record how your body is reacting, if at all, to the drug that is on trial. Not too bad hey?

Photo Copyright ‘Quotient Clinical’

In terms of demographic, the array of people who take part in these trials is probably more diverse than you think. I mean the odd bods and the people who live on the fringes of society are definitely here, don’t get me wrong, but surprisingly there are a lot of ‘normal’ housewives, students and in particular self-employed people who manage to fit these drug tests around their everyday working schedule. For me? I guess I am one of the odd bods using the guinea-pig fund in between part-time work and study to pay for world travels. But it’s an interesting mix to say the least, and all sorts of random conversations can often be heard in the communal areas. If it’s not someone discussing politics, it’ll be someone discussing the meaning of life and the ‘rat race’ along with theories about aliens or whatever. You almost get the feeling that people are more open in here; the idea that you’re in a confined space for a short period of time with a bunch of strangers who you will probably never see again allows people to be their fully weird selves.

And I guess that’s what we are; the human guinea-pigs – the selfless soldiers at the forefront of the medicinal battle united in the quest to earn money easy and fast. Sure, you have to take some newly-developed pills here, piss into a container there, give some blood here and basically be an institutionalised number on a study (my wristband confirms I am subject number 55355), but still when I look at the usual mundane and menial jobs available on the market I fail to see the difference. The majority of the population give their bodies to a company and become their property indefinitely in the pursuit of money so why not do it instead in the heroic fight to cure cancer? To end Crohn’s’ disease? Or to rid the world of the common cold? As I finish lunch, put the Xbox controller down and head to my bed to give this afternoon’s blood and urine sample before a long nap, I remain content in my current career choice of being a human guinea-pig – a soldier of medicine; a cog in the machine for a better future. Now, if only I could get these blue spots to wash off my skin…